How to have fulfilling sex with herpes without passing it along?

One of the encouraging things about genital herpes (HSV-2) is that it’s still possible to have a rich and fulfilling sex life. Sex with herpes can be intimate, romantic, loving, and fun. Research has even given us data that shows how likely (or really, “unlikely”) you are to transmit herpes during sex when you take precautions and understand the specific circumstances you might have. So you can educate yourself about sex with herpes, including what precautions you can take, what your chances are of getting herpes, and types of sexual encounters as they relate to herpes.

Sex with Herpes - How to Have Safe Sex with Herpes

For some, this may be stating the obvious, but let me first say that you should always tell your partner if you have herpes, even if you have no symptoms. (How to tell your partner you have herpes). And for sex with herpes to be its most fulfilling, I recommend that you have it in the context of a mutually monogamous relationship.

Herpes, Sex, and Outbreaks

The likelihood of passing genital herpes to a partner is highest during an outbreak (times when a sore is present). When a person is not experiencing an outbreak, there is a 4-10% chance of transmitting it. (Depending mostly on genders.)

Men vs. Women with Herpes

Because of the nature of male and female genitalia, it is easier for herpes to be transmitted to a woman by a man than vice-versa. This is because female genitals have more exposed soft tissue. This also accounts for the slight gender gap in women vs. women with herpes. One in four American women has it, while one in five American men does.

Condoms and Herpes

Condoms help prevent the spread of herpes, cutting down the rate of transmission by about 50%. Condoms are not totally effective, though, because genital herpes only requires skin-to-skin contact to spread, so the areas that the condom does not cover are still susceptible. Some people get herpes even though they’ve always used condoms! Nonetheless, using a condom is a great idea and reducing the chancing by half is nothing to sneeze at. For example, if you’re a man and you’re not having an outbreak, you would have an 8% chance of giving it to your partner. But using a condom, you’d bring that number down to 4%. (Add in antivirals, and you’ve brought it down to 2%).
Monogamous couples who know their status may want to forgo the use of condoms for whatever reason (i.e. in order to get pregnant, or because condoms are just not preferred and they use birth control). This is still possible as long as other precautions are taken and both parties are informed and aware of the risks.

Suppressive Therapy

Suppressive therapy is the use of prescription Valtrex on a daily basis, whether an outbreak is present or not. Whereas Valtrex is commonly used to stop an outbreak as it is happening, it can also be used daily to prevent outbreaks to begin with. Valtrex is an antiviral medication that reduces the occurrence of herpes outbreaks. Using Valtrex daily also reduces the time and likelihood of the virus to “shed”, i.e. be contagious. Studies show that it can reduce the viral shedding periods so much that transmission rates drop by 50%.
Valtrex is the brand name for Valacyclovir. Other common antivirals for herpes are acyclovir (also spelled aciclovir) and Zovirax. Acyclovir is cheaper, but requires you to take more capsules at a time. With Valtrex, you only need to take one pill a day.
Cons: Side effects of Valtrex can include dehydration (like seriously thirsty!), and for a few individuals, disorientation, so be sure to know what effect it has on you just staying at home before you plan to take it daily and drive a car. Some people also critique Valtrex for causing liver damage over time. If you don’t want to take Valtrex, there are natural herpes remedies that can somewhat suppress herpes, too.

Oral Sex and Herpes

HSV-1 is usually associated with oral herpes, but it can also spread to the genitals through oral sex. Most people know not to kiss or share a drink while a cold sore is present. The same goes for not performing oral sex while a cold sore is present. You might also wish to use a condom or dental dam.
A dental dam is a latex barrier that can be placed over the vulva/vagina (and anal area, if involved,) to prevent skin-to-skin contact during oral sex.
HSV-2, which is usually genital herpes, can also spread to the oral region, but it’s not as likely. It is possible, but rare, since HSV-2 doesn’t like the oral environment. In fact, only 3% of oral herpes outbreaks are from HSV-2.
Herpes Transmission Rates

  • The likelihood of passing genital herpes to a partner is highest during an outbreak (times when a sore is present).
  • When a person is not experiencing an outbreak, there is a 4-10% chance of transmitting it. (Depending on gender)
According to studies done by Valtrex, these are the rates of transmission per year of regular sex:

  • If partners avoid sex during outbreaks: 4% chance transmission from female to male; 8% male to female
  • If partners also use condoms or antiviral medication: 2% female to male; 4% per year male to female
  • If partners also use condoms and antiviral medications: 1% female to male; 2% male to female

When Both Partners Have Herpes

Congratulations — you can skip having the talk! If you and your partner have the same type of herpes, you have more freedom than a couple not trying to infect one partner. If you both have HSV-2, for example, you both already have the antibodies built up and cannot be re-infected in any way, nor can you cause each other more outbreaks. Your outbreaks and symptoms will instead be affected by the strength of your immune system, so keep it strong.
You will also not have the same need to avoid sex during and around times of outbreaks, but you will probably prefer to, for the sake of avoiding discomfort!
If you have different strains of herpes; i.e. one of you has HSV-1 and one has HSV-2, read on. You are already well-protected by your antibodies. If you have HSV-2, you might not be as likely to get HSV-1. If you have HSV-1, however, you are still susceptible to get HSV-2.
There are dating sites for people with herpes that can help you to meet potential partners with the same type of HSV as you. (The one I have used and recommend is Positive Singles).






The encouraging transmission rates show that you can have fulfilling sex with herpes without passing it along if you take basic precautions. Remember that you must always tell potential partners if you have herpes, even you have no symptoms. (How to tell them about your herpes). I also recommend the wisdom of having sex in the context of a mutually monogamous relationship.